塞翁失恋，焉知非福

西西

When it comes to breakups, most of us prepare for the worst. From lonely days to sleepless nights, we picture ourselves suffering from an emotional downpour, unable to continue on with the most basic of life’s functions.
Luckily, the reality is much less harsh. According to research, breakups aren’t usually the angst-ridden fallouts which we imagine them to be. A recent study published in the May issue of the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology shows that breakups actually tend to be less heartbreaking than we initially fear. And not only is the initial breakup not as crushing as we expect, but the recovery time is also much quicker than we might imagine.
Why is this? Is there really no such thing as a “broken” heart?
Maybe not. Or maybe we just overestimate how “broken” breakups can make us feel. The study found that participants greatly overestimated (sometimes up to twice as much) how hurt they would feel by a breakup. Apparently, snapping back from a bad breakup doesn’t take 80 pints of Häagen-Dazs — it might just take three or four.
However, if you haven’t summoned up the bravery to end a bad relationship, the light at the end of the tunnel might seem impossibly far away. So how do you know if you are ready to go for the split?
Check your reasoning.
Why are you so reluctant to leave the relationship? Is it because there is true, lasting love there? Or is it because you don’t want to be alone? Even if your reasoning is “noble” (such as you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings), realize that this doesn’t create a foundation for a happy, healthy relationship. Once you understand that staying together for the dog isn’t fair to either of you (or the dog), you might finally have the courage to call it quits once and for all.
Listen to your heart.
It might sound trite, but your heart can sometimes lead you better than your mind. Your mind is going to think of all the reasons why a breakup would be complicated (moving out, telling friends and family, being alone again), but your heart is going to be looking out for you. If the thought of your partner only brings up feelings of sadness and angry, it might be your heart’s way of telling you … Get out!
Don’t expect the world to end.
If your mind is telling you that breaking up is going to be the worst pain of your life, remember the study mentioned above. Human beings are built to snap back from even the worst tragedies, so whether you are ending a three-month affair or a 10-year marriage, your body and your mind have the capability and the desire to get you back on your feet. Sure, it is going to take more than a few girls’ nights out to return you to your happy, confident self, but you will land on your feet.
To make it through a breakup with even less drama, stick to these simple guidelines of breakup etiquette:
Keep it honest, open and short. A breakup should never last longer than the relationship itself. Let your partner know why you want to end the relationship. Be honest but not intentionally hurtful. When he/gives you your feedback, listen openly, but then move on. There is no reason a breakup should turn into a screaming “he said/she said” match.
Don’t end it on a bad note (or text). As tempting as it might be, don’t end an important relationship via e-mail, text, or phone call. Chances are, you will see your ex again, so make sure you don’t end things on such bad terms that the next meeting will be unbearable. You owe the relationship a little bit of respect, even during the breakup!
Remember, a breakup is not the end of the world. As long as you love yourself, losing the love of an ex is not going to kill you — and like the saying goes, it might even make you stronger.


一提到分手，我们中的大多数总爱往坏处想。从寂寞的白天到无眠的黑夜，我们仿佛可以看到自己在跌宕起伏的情感风暴中瑟瑟发抖，甚至连最基本的日常生活也没法完成。
幸运的是，现实远没有如此严峻。根据研究，分手往往并不是我们想的那种无处不在的痛苦。5月号《实验社会心理学杂志》上刊登的一项最近研究显示，分手实际上没我们原本担心的那样让人心碎。不仅最初的分手没我们认为的那么强烈，恢复的时间也比我们想象的快得多。
为什么会这样？难道真的没有“心碎”这回事？
可能没有。或者也可能是我们高估了分手带给我们的伤心感觉。这项研究发现参加者们大大高估了（有时甚至超出一倍）因为分手造成的心痛感觉。看起来，走出一次糟糕的分手用不着猛吃80桶哈根达斯来安慰自己——也许三、四桶就足够了。
但是，如果你鼓不起勇气去结束一段糟糕的关系，黎明的曙光可能还在无尽的黑夜中遥不可及。那么，你怎样才知道自己准备好分手呢？
审视你的原因
为什么离开这段关系让你如此犹豫？是因为还有真爱么？还是因为你不想一个人？即使你的原因再“高尚”（比如你不想伤害对方的感情），也要看清楚这并不能建造出一段幸福、健康关系的基础。一旦你了解为了宠物狗守在一起对两个人（或者那只狗）都不公平，你可能最终会有勇气做出了断。
听从你的心声
这可能听起来有些老土，但是有时候，“心”比“脑”更能给你指明方向。你的大脑会思考分手造成的各种麻烦（搬出去，告诉朋友和家人，再次单身），不过你的心会为你寻找出路。如果一想到对方让只能带来悲伤和怒火，那可能是你的心在对你说：离开吧！
并非世界末日
如果你的大脑告诉你分手将会是你生命中最大的痛苦，想想上面的研究。人类被创造得能从最为严峻的悲剧中恢复，所以不论你是结束3个月的小恋曲还是10年的婚姻，你的身体和精神都有能力也有愿望让你继续前进。当然，可能不是几个狂欢夜就能让你变回快乐、自信的自己，但是你最终会站起来。
为了能更平静地度过分手期，要遵守下面这些简单的分手原则：
分手要诚实、坦白、简短。分手的过程永远不应该比关系本身还长。让对方知道你为社么要结束这段感情。尽量诚实但不要蓄意伤害。当他作出答复，用开放的心态倾听，但之后还是要走自己的路。没有任何理由让分手变成一场互相指责的尖叫比赛。
不要通过便条（或写信）结束。虽然听起来很诱人，不要通过电子邮件、写信或者电话来结束一段重要关系。因为你还可能见到旧爱，所以千万不要用这么糟糕的方式来结束而让下次见面惨不忍睹。你必须给这段关系起码的尊重，包括在分手的时候！
记住，分手不是世界末日。只要你还爱自己，失去旧情人的爱情不会杀了你——就像俗话说的，失恋让人更坚强。